It's so hard to say because I become that person more and more ever day.  But if you ask me to describe what I'll be like 10 years from now, chances are I won't get it right.  Every day presents new unexpected challenges.  I want to be me.  And at the same time, how can I be anything other than me.

My brother is going through some rough times right now.  I'm at a loss as to how to help him.  He wants me to send him money and doesn't really want any other sort of help.  I offered him some money but it was less than he wanted so he turned it down.  Instead of taking what I offered, he didn't take a dime even though he told me he needed the money for food.  I know money is the wrong thing to send.  If anyone reading this could send up a prayer for my brother, it's much needed.

Many thanks and may all beings benefit.

Buddhism, Buddha, Tara, god/dess

Those are the first things that spring to mind.

I just got a new job that fits into serving the people / things I wish to serve and being the kind of person I want to be much better than my previous job. 

I hate to admit it but it's my new job.

At the moment, I'm learning about navigating around gaia.  What the heck are seeds and what do you do with them? 

I'm also at work.  I have a new job and I'm wondering how to incorporate the fact that I have a new job, and something about it, into my profile. 

I find it strange that I have access to my blog but not my gmail at work.  Of course I'm addicted to my gmail, so maybe it's just as well.

What else...

I'm learning how to balance life and work.  I put in a lot of overtime during my first few weeks, because I had to pass a test to get licensed in insurance.  It was tough!  I flunked the first time and them passed (barely) the second time.  now I go home adn feel like I should be studying.  I'm a chronic (or is that career?) student.

I don't feel like I'm teaching anything but I know that's not true.  Maybe how to be quiet and respectful.  I'm shy so the whole idea of teaching a group of people feels overwhelming.  At the same time I know that on some level, just being me, I'm teaching something.  That would be laughter. 

yet, I don't want to change my profile just yet.  I have a new job and am still in the training phase.  I think it could be wonderful and meaningful for me but I hate to make my profile just about work because I have so much else going on.

I love Buddhism and with this new job, will have the time and money to participate more, which I am so looking forward to.  It's one of the areas of my life that suffers when the bills aren't getting paid.

My new job is being a customer service rep for an insurance company.  Sounds so dull when I put it that way but I really do see it as a great opporutnity to bring my Buddhist practice into every interaction.

But I've only just barely learned to use the system and I've only taken a handful of calls so far.  I guess I don't want to change my profile until I'm more settled in this job.  But that could be a year from now!

I don't think of myself as an anxious person but the truth is I am.  I do think of myself as a worrywart!  :)

I have a post from last October just briefly stating that I just went on my first Zen retreat.  I didn't comment on it again after that and just realized it.

It was a 5 day Zen retreat.  I could go on for pages and pages about it.  At the same time I don't have a clue as to where to start.  The sitting and walking meditation itself wasn't easy but I managed okay.  The state of my mind at the end of the retreat is a whole different story.  Because I have bipolar disorder.

I've often heard people talk about the dangers of retreats.  I always thought they were making things up.  I mean, really, how dangerous can sitting still and walking slowly for 5 days be?  Ha!  Little did I know.

Because I have bipolar disorder, I've been told no more retreats for me.  This makes me want to wail and nash my teeth because I think that retreats is a good thing.  The problem is that the two retreats I've done that lasted more than 2 days, I have ended up putting myself into a manic state by the end of it.  

For anyone who hasn't experienced mania, it's hard to explain because it's not necessarily a bad thing.  Yes, I ended up in the hospital both times, but the things I worked through, and the things I realized, and the changes I've made, have been good.  It's like a dam breaking. 

Education.  there's no such thing as too much.   Once you learn how to learn, it's a skill you will keep for life.  So whatever life throws your way, you always have the tools to research and learn how to cope with it.  Step by step at your own pace and in your own style.